he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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