I'm so fucking centered right now
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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