the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
