I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
