Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
