Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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