Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
