I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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