Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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