so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
