you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
