Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
