Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Drunk is a universal language darling
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
