So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
