You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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