Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
