pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
