If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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