God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
