Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
