is your mom at the bar?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Actions speak louder than pants.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
