I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
