Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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