we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So much Jack, so little girl.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
