3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
