can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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