Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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