My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
