The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
