When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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