two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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