she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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