when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
