You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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