hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
and she was petting her beer can
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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