watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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