Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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