You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
