Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
