The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Well I just put wine in my tea
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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