mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
