I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I cannot find my penis.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
