I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
