I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
