god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
