I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
