I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
