How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
whose ass print is on the piano?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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