Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
