so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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